Tai's talking is really taking off - every time I turn around, it seems like he says more stuff.  Here's a *very long* list.

 

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I figured just in case there were people out there in my FL wondering where the heck I went - I'd give a brief update.  For the past few weeks I've been struggling with my anxiety stuff.   The last week has been particularly hard.  I'm working it - doing therapy as usual and I'm meeting with my psychiatrist for a med check (finally) on Tuesday.  But the brain hasn't been much with the thinking (of the productive, sane type) so my posting and commenting has been pretty much non-existent.

I am reading and thinking of you all, though.

The turning over of the new year has given new fire to my recent questioning of what the hell I'm doing with my life.  I am having a hard time trying to figure out what I really want to do, who I want to be, in my heart, not based on what someone else thinks I should be doing or being.  (I am well aware that this is totally a privileged, first world problem.  But since that's where I'm at, I'm working with it.)  I'm going to make a list and see whether that might make things clearer.  At least having the questions clear should help.

1.  Do I want to continue to be a Stay At Home Mom, or do I want to return to work?
     a.  If I decide to go back to work - full time or part time?  (This will be at least partly dependent on how much I would make vs. cost of childcare.)
     b.  If I chose to back to work - do I start soon, or after I have my second child?  (Am I going to have a second child?)

2.  If I go back to work, what will I do?
     a.  Paralegal, Admin Assistant - unglamorous, but pay the bills and without emotional drama.
     b.  Therapist - I'd need to finish my internship hours, and I'd also have to learn to deal with the stress so I don't burn out aga
     c.  Doula - can be part time.   I'd need training, and experience.
     d.  Midwife - I'd need much more training, to go back to school, and this would impact how much time I spend with Tai.

3.  If I don't go back to work, what will I do?
     a.  Freelance writing - not much money, but I love writing.  I would need to work at figuring out the logistics of freelance.  Also, part time.
     b.  Non-paying writing - fun, low stress.  But I'd have to learn how to value my writing without monetary feedback and how to carve out time.
     c.  Volunteering - There are many changes I'd like to see in our world, especially now that I'm a mother.  I can put my time and effort into this.

Right now I feel like I'm not doing enough of anything.  I feel like I don't stretch my intellect and creativity enough and that makes me short tempered with Tai.  I also don't feel like I participate in community enough.  I want to turn over a new leaf, I want to make a change.  But I'm not sure where to start.


In other news, Tai is talking up a storm.  This morning we were in bed and he said, "Watch Tai do big boom again."  It was a real sentence!  I love getting glimpses into what he's thinking about.  We were sitting on the couch and he was sharing my spicy pumpkin seeds ("Not too spicy," Tai says) and he says "Tai on Santa's lap."  For a minute I had no idea what he was talking about, until I saw the picture that I put on top of the TV.  Tai, on Santa's lap.  And when he woke up from his nap, he wanted me to read him the magazine I was checking out while I nursed him.  He saw a picture of a drop of water on the page and when I said it was a 'drop', he stood up on the bed, then dropped down.  He was being a drop!  And then he said he was going to be a puppy human.  He's so much fun - when he's not being a terror.

In still other news - why is it that I clean and clean and the house still looks just as messy when I finish as when I started?

This was written at yuletide  gift exchange.  It was my first year doing the exchange, and it was tons of fun.  Now that the reveal has happened, I can share!

 

( Cut for those not into fanfic )

Today Tom, Tai and I headed back home from the desert.  For the first time it was hard for Tai to leave.  He kept saying 'no go home'.  And when he woke up this morning, he cried for about ten minutes because my brother's puppy wasn't there.  He's starting to learn that things change, and he doesn't get to control most of those changes.  Not the easiest lesson to learn, says she who still wants to control the world.

It was a long drive home and tough for Tai.  He was bored and whiny and I was short tempered and tired.  Tom did most of the driving, but I did the last couple of hours.  Of course, when I was off Tai duty, Tai slept.  We made it back, though, and it's good to be home.  The beasts were happy to see us.  And I spent a couple of hours taking decorations off the tree.  I want our living room back, so Tai has more room to play.

It was a good trip, but I'm going to be glad to sleep in our (king sized!) bed again tonight.  

Tomorrow - New Years party with Erika and Peter!

We just watched this movie - not the uplifting movie of the decade.  I'm going to spoiler, so if you haven't seen it, turn back now.

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Today Mom and I drove up to Idyllwild, a couple of hours outside of the desert, in the mountains.  We'd been seeing snow on the surrounding mountains for the week, so we figured we'd show Tai snow, since he's only seen it at a distance or on TV.  We had the best time, even though the only snow we found was about a foot square and about three ice-crystals deep.
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No matter how spread out they are.  I'm not sure whether it's living with extra people or whether it's the whole 'Christmas must be perfect' thing that isn't particular to my family, but which the ladies excel at... (though I am working on that and I try to encourage Mom to remember that good enough is, indeed Good), or whether it's something else entirely.  No matter the cause, it seems like every year we all end up grumpy and gritching and sniping and raising voices in anger, rather than something fun like song.

Fortunately, once we all sat down around the dinner table, griping was forgotten and we were all in better spirits.  We had our Christmas dinner tonight - veggie sausage and lentils with a red wine sauce, scalloped potatoes, steamed broccoli, home made applesauce, pumpkin bread, strawberry nut bread, and a 'Christmas salad' that is a salad only in the very loose definition of the word.  It's a favorite of my Mom and her sister and it's been in the family for longer than I've been alive.  Like the breads, it's dessert for dinner - apples, grapes, bananas, walnuts, marshmallows, whipped cream and a tiny bit of Miracle Whip.  Weird combo but it works (except for the marshmallows.  I am not a fan.)  Tai's favorite was the lentils, though he also munched down the Christmas salad.  

After dinner we opened presents from Q, who got Tai a huge (fortunately collapsible) ball house/tunnel thing.  Tai *loves* it.  When Tom folded it up so we could walk through the living room again, Tai freaked out and threw himself on the floor very dramatically.  He's really got the fake cry down.  It's funny, if irritating.  

He's totally going to think that Christmas lasts for more than a week.  And that it's all about presents.  We might be bad Christians, but we're good Commercial-ists.

Today was:  last minute present shopping, pancakes, present opening, crazy running around (by Tai), napping (for Tai), lunch, yuletide reading (must make a rec post), sale shopping at Coldwater Creek, checking out the lights at the Living Desert, dinner at La Pinata, more reading, more Tai running while naked - post bath - and now "Best of Dana Carvey on SNL".  

The most interesting part of the day?  Watching McGee teach Tai how to fence with wrapping paper rolls.  

But it was a good day.  We drove down to the desert to stay with Mom and McGee and visit my brother.  Unfortunately the Michigan relatives (Aunt, Uncle and Cousins) won't be able to make it out this year, so it's going to be small.  

The drive was pretty chill, though it was long.  Tai was fabulous.  He played with a couple of his new dinosaurs, he played with his robot, he took off his shoes and socks and threw them into the front.  The best time sink, though, was a game I found at GameStop for the NintendoDS - it's a dog game where you can pet them and throw balls and stuff.  I brought it out near the end of the ride, when it was getting dark and he was bored.  He loved throwing the ball for the dogs.  He laughed and laughed.  (Unfortunately then he threw the little stylus that goes with the DS and was pissed that we couldn't find it.)  But he was fabulous for an 8 hour ride where we only stopped for lunch.

When I arrived, as things wound down and we finished dinner and putting Tai to bed, and making fudge (yum!) I got online for the first time today.  yuletide stories have been posted so I read my gift - it's a Tombstone fic (Wyatt/Doc slash) and it was everything I could have dreamed of.  Angsty (but not too much), H/C (again, not too much) and in character for both Doc and Wyatt.  I am quite the happy fangirl.  I also got a comment from the person I wrote for (though they don't know it was me, yet) and they loved the story I wrote, which also makes me a happy fangirl.  Good fan-times all around.

I am feeling better (still stuffy head, but no more fever) - which is good.  I don't want to be too sick over the holidays!  Tai gagged up his dinner (I love him, but he's got the world's most sensitive gag reflex) and that freaked me out a bit.  Tom keeps telling me it was just gagging, not stomach flu.  I'm mostly keeping my cool.

I'm just grateful that we're all here together, we're all (mostly) healthy, and things are chill.  Even if it feels both like Christmas already happened (because it did for Tai) and that it hasn't happened yet (because Christmas with my mom hasn't happened yet.)

Merry merry, to everyone who celebrates - and I hope your day was merry, even if you don't celebrate.

Since we wanted to go down to the desert tomorrow, we decided to have Christmas today. Tai is too young to know that Santa came early, so he didn't mind. It was a totally fun morning and Tai was wiped out by 10am. He woke up bright and early, 6:30. I barely pried my eyes open. But after Tom got his diaper changed, we all headed down.

Tai loved it. He spent over an hour opening his presents and the rest of the day playing with them. He got: a tool belt/ construction set, a robot (from Yo Gaba Gaba, which we don't watch), a dump truck, a small tea set, dinosaurs, wood blocks, magnetic robots, a match box car garage and cars, an easel and - the biggest and craziest gift - a full size keyboard that teaches you how to play piano. (From Pawpaw and Des. Truth be told, Tom and I had at least as much fun playing with it as Tai did.)

Tai also loved having a candy cane. His refrain of the day, "More Nis-Niss." (More Christmas.) He has to wait until we get down to the desert!

Dangit - every time I visit with twirlgrrl lately I end up coming down with a fever later that night.  WTF is that about?  I promise I was feeling fine earlier, L.  Maybe a teensy sniffle, but that's it!  If this follows Tai's recent minor illness I'll just have a fever for a couple of hours and that's it.  Hopefully, since I wasn't kissing anyone or licking their food I shouldn't have shared.  Maybe during flu season I should live in a bubble?  On the other hand, I'm having ( TMI? You are warned. )

Other than that, today was pretty cool.  Tai and I went to visit twirlgrrl  and her son.  I haven't seen them for a while and it was good to catch up, even for a little bit.  They have an adorable little Christmas tree in the living room.  I don't usually like colored lights (I'm a white purist) but these seemed so cheery.  Tai, of course, loved to hang out with Blue.  He spent a lot of time following Blue and mimicking whatever he did.  It was so cute to see him trucking down the hall after Blue, he was very serious and purposeful.

We're doing Christmas tomorrow, and heading down to the desert on Friday.  Since Tai's too young to really know about dates, we figure it won't mess anything up to have Santa visit a day early.  (I still haven't done my faith/Santa post.  One of these days...)  Tonight Tom and I wrapped Tai's presents and I was a little bummed that I'm feeling too crappy to feel properly excited.  But really, I can't wait to see Tai's face when he comes down and unwraps his toys.  We do have one that's already open - Brogan and Des bought Tai a huge electronic keyboard since he loved playing their piano so much.  Sweet, very sweet.  But an insanely expensive gift for a not-quite-two-year-old.  Also, did I mention large?  I have no idea what we're going to do with it when we have other kidlets over!

And I don't even have anything major to complain about.  This, however, is not going to stop me!  A list of things that are making me wah right now (in no particular order):

1.  I have a scratchy throat and my nose is feeling a little sniffly.  Which means I'm probably getting Tai's cold.  Hope it's as mild for me as it's been for him.

2.  The XBox has taking a major dump and won't play any of our games or DVDs.  Which means no Guitar Hero/Rock Band for me.

3.  I am tired.  

4.  I am not getting the family (read: Tom, Tai and me without extended family) vacation that I was looking forward to because Tom can't take time off work.

5.  It is going to be only 60-ish in the desert when we go, so it's going to be cold for swimming, and Tai is going to be disappointed.  Or I am going to be very cold.

6.  Tai had a hard time falling asleep for both nap and bed, and was a bit of a Wild Child today.  (Maybe there's something in the air?  There were a number of kids at the playground who were clearly in a Mood too.)

7.  Someone at the playground left with Tai's green shovel.  I should not care, but I had an unreasonable like for that shovel - it was a perfect color and an unusual shape - sorta scoopy.  

8.  I have done no writing on my novel since last week.

9.  My back and neck hurt.

10.  Tom is not treating me like the queen I clearly am.  (Ok, this is not serious.  He's being fine.  I just want pampering, dammit.)

Now - a few things I'm grateful for, so I can quit whining.

1.  I don't have to worry about the family's financial situation (in general, and during the holidays, in particular).

2.  I am pretty much healthy over all.  My illnesses tend to be fleeting and not very severe.

3.  I have a kick ass son, who I love with an irrational fire and wouldn't trade for the world, even if it meant less sniffles.

4.  I have a bunch of cool mama friends who I see at the playground and in the neighborhood and in the City and online.  They make the hard stuff less hard and the fun stuff even more awesome.

5.  I have an extended family who loves us and wants us around - and who I want to be around.

6.  I don't have insomnia, so when Tai isn't keeping me awake and I'm not wasting time online, I can sleep.

7.  I do have time to spend writing, whether it's just a few stolen minutes, or a couple of hours on the weekend.

8.  Tom is a pretty great husband - imperfect, just like me.

9.  I have a therapist, meds, friends, and family to help me when things start going wonky in the head.

10.  Overall, things are good in my life.  First world problems, all.

One of the things I love best about Tai is how unabashedly free he is with his body.  He loves to dance, to kick balls, to run around naked.  He doesn't worry how he looks while doing any of these things.  I'm learning to be freer by watching him.  I was talking to Dad on the phone the other day and Tai was irritated that I wasn't paying attention to *him*, so he kept bugging me to put a plastic tub on my head and be a robot.  He was quite insistent.  So I did.  No problem.  Dad thought it was cool that I was willing to play with him in that way, and Wendy has told me how impressed she was that I'm so easy about playing with Tai in front of her.  Hell, I don't mind looking like a total dork when I'm with him.  He's so cute (yes, biased opinion), no one is looking at me. Here he is, showing off his dance moves at the Palm Desert Street Fair, in November.  I love how serious he is about the whole thing.

So I spent all of my free time this weekend (and some of the time that wasn't free) working my butt off on my story for yuletide and I managed to both finish and post!  Not only did I finish my story on time, it was twice as long as it needed to be.  And for the first time in some time, it felt like my writing flowed.  I felt like I was able to get into the characters heads, and they played nice together and with me and I am pretty pleased at what I came up with.

I was worried about it at first, since I got matched with a fandom that is relatively new to me.  And a character that I felt like I didn't have a perfect handle on.  So I researched and I worried and I plotted and then I just sat down with an open notebook and a quote and got started.  After that, the words just came.  Yes, there was some rewriting, but not as much as I feared.  Now I just have to be patient until the reveal and see what my recipient thinks of the story.  I hope hope hope it's received well.

I just wish my original writing came as easily.  I just can't get myself to be as lose about it, as free.  I keep matching it up with some impossible standard in my head.  So it doesn't flow, it comes in dribs and drabs.  I suppose I shouldn't complain though, I have been able to write some on it most days last week - even if those times were the few minutes that Tai played on the playground with other kids.  It's something - and one day all of those dribs and drabs will add up to pages and chapters.  Eventually the story will tell itself.  But what will I do when it's done?

Today was a pretty laid back day.  We got up earlyish (9am for me; it was early since Tai was awake from 1:00 until 3:30 last night.  Funtimes, let me tell you.) and went to the Farmers Market.  I haven't been in probably six months, so it was fun to pick out fresh fruit and veggies.  And I got good mushrooms, too.  We had lunch, then it was time for Tai's nap.  Tom and I napped as well, which is totally weird for us.

Kendra and John had us over for dinner tonight, which was awesome.  They're so relaxed about kids, Tai could pretty much play with anything he wanted and we didn't have to worry about it.  Sometimes the older kids would keep him busy, so neither Tom nor I had to watch him every second.  One of the high points of the night, though, came when the adults were sitting around the table chatting about having kids.  I was talking about being tired and said Tai had been up a lot last night and that Tom slept through the whole thing.  He said there wasn't any use in both of us being up.  Kendra commented about how many people had said to her 'well you can just sleep all day' when her kids were young, since she was a stay-at-home mom and all.  We both rolled our eyes.  

Then she said, "That whole sleep while your kid sleeps thing is bullshit.  You need some time away from your kids.  If you sleep when they sleep, then they're with you all the time and you get angry."  And I was like, "Amen sister!"  Finally someone who understands.  I feel like Tom just doesn't get that.

I really need to have my weekend away.  Then Tom can see what All Toddler All the Time is like.  At least for a few days.

Aaand, tonight is not the night wherein I finally finish that post.  One of these days I really really have to get off Guitar Hero/Rock Band.  Like one day this weekend.  Because ZOMG yuletide  posting deadline is just around the corner.  Yes, I've been working on the story - if by working one means doing research and plotting and daydreaming and starting to put fingers to keyboard, but not getting very far.  I am starting to freak out a little bit, and I should probably spend more time on their chat site so I can at least freak out with other people.  But I know I can finish this.  After all, it's fanfiction - which doesn't usually stop me up like my own novel does.  Plus, I have hints from the person who will receive my story, so I'm not completely writing in the dark.  But what if they don't like their gift?  What if they are so bummed?  And then we're back to ZOMG!11! Breathe, breathe.  I think I'm a little ramped up on video game adrenaline.  That and I keep expecting Tai to wake up any moment now.  Sadly we weren't able to get together with anyone today.  We hit two playgrounds, though.  One in the morning and one in the afternoon.  At the afternoon playground we saw one of the boys from our Mom's Group who was out with his nanny.  I haven't seen him in a couple of months so it was weird to see how much he looks like a little kid and not so much like a baby.  I know that's true of Tai as well, but I see him every day so it's not that big of a change.  He and Tai played together pretty well, so that was good too. I'm looking forward to the weekend and the break... and then the Christmas holiday!  Yay!  We've already started receiving gifts for Tai in the mail.  He's the popular one.  Which is as it should be.

One of these days I need to finish the entry I've had in progress for most of this week.  But I've been having too much fun playing Rock Band in the evening with Tom.  For some reason it feels like we're actually doing something together, rather than just fiddling around with our own computers on either end of the couch.  And it's not even like watching TV together.  Maybe it's just that we're trying to play a song together and when we fuck up (as we routinely do) we can commiserate with each other.  It's a little sad that a large portion of our intimacy with each other (apart from Tai) comes from a video game... but we do what we can with what we have.

Tai has had a great couple of days.  He's visited friends three days in a row.  On Tuesday he had a play date with Peter (who wasn't letting his mom get out of the house).  On Wednesday he spent a couple of hours with Paxton while I went to the doctor.  He impressed Yvette with his ability to be mellow and work puzzles (she thought he'd be running around all the time) and his willingness to sing the ABCs, even if he doesn't get all the letters yet.  Then today Kendra watched him while I was at therapy and he spent the afternoon telling Oliver what to do and not allowing Annabel her usual position as Ruler of the World.  I'm not sure what Griffin thought... but I think Tai liked being part of a group of kids.  Not to mention he hasn't had a chance to play with that many big kids for so long.  Oliver is 8!  I can't believe it. I still remember when he was a wee little one with a crush on me (back when he was about three or four).  Also today, while we were at the playground this morning we saw Peter, Paxton and Mateus and Tai spent most of his time playing in the sand with Peter.  (He's been doing fairly well with sharing, when he's on other people's turf... and if the toy in question is not a favorite one - like a doll stroller.)

I'm hoping that we keep up the streak, because it's been good for both of us.  Socializing and wearing each other out.  I was just disappointed to learn that Erika and Peter are probably going to be moving away - probably out of the Bay Area completely.  Tai will miss his friend, and I will, too.

I swear I won't keep doing the photo rather than blog thing for the rest of Holidailies... but I am going to do it today because I am tired and I spent much of the evening playing Guitar Hero again. Also - there is a thoughtful journal entry in process, but it is taking longer than expected. Also also - one can only relate the events of the day so many times before readers fall asleep. When the events of my day are only - eat, wrangle toddler, sleep... well - yeah, people get bored.

Peter, however, is adorable. Tai loves playing with him. Here they are playing 'robot'. Fortunately the game ended before anyone got hit in the head.