I'm going to do a quick drive-by sorta entry... real catch up later.  I keep thinking 'I need to write a read entry but I don't have time, or brain power, or whatever' and then I don't and there's so much to catch up on!  I haven't written a monthly letter to Miriam in several months... I haven't written a 4th birthday letter to Tai... and I start feeling like if I'm not writing those I shouldn't be writing anything (unless it's The Novel, of course). 

Miriam is four months old, already!  I can't even believe it.  She's holding up her head and reaching for things and rolling from her back to her side and teething.  She rolled over from her tummy to her back a couple of times, but then stopped.  She doesn't mind tummy time as much as Tai did, though she doesn't really like it, either.  She's babbling and making raspberries. 

Her latch has improved and we're nursing with no issues.  It's funny, though - while Tai loved nursing and booby would solve anything - Miriam is a lot more picky.  If she's not hungry, she doesn't want to nurse.  At all.  Tonight we tried to do date night and we got through most of the meal when suddenly she just lost her mind.  It was almost 9 and she's used to going to sleep at 8, so she was probably exhausted.  Tom walked her, then tried to have her nurse.  She just screamed louder.  I like a girl who knows her mind.  She has quite the scream, though.  At least we were done eating, so I took her outside while Tom paid.  It's the first time we've had to leave a restaurant because of a kidlet issue.  I needed a night out, too... I was sick the past couple of days with an endless fever.  Poor Miriam was stuck in bed with me all day yesterday because Tom was at work.

Tai is hilarious and exasperating.  He's bringing artwork home from school and playing soccer and having Dance Parties with Tom (He can do the YMCA dance...).  He thinks he knows everything and that I should do whatever I tell him.  Immediately.  He loves Miriam and she adores him.  It's amazing to watch them together, even this early.  (Of course, this might change when she is grabbing his toys and *gasp* drooling on them.)

Life is good, but tiring.

Dear Miriam,

I will do my best not to be as late with these monthly letters as I have been with this one. My intentions and my actions don't always match up, but I want you to know - my tardiness only speaks about me, never about you or how I feel about you.

I can't believe you are already two months old. It feels both like you just joined the family thirty seconds ago, and like you have always been here with us. I am so happy that you are here.

You're smiling already - and have been for a couple of weeks now. You tend to be serious, so when you do smile, it feels like a triumph. You also try so hard to talk, concentrating and working with all of your being. You have a lot to say already, even though all I hear so far is 'goo' and 'agaa'.

You have very definite likes and dislikes and you don't hesitate to let us know. You like the Wiggles and Yo Gabba Gabba (thanks to Tai), baths, boobs, and sleeping. You especially like your brother. You don't like having gas (but who does?), or getting your clothes changed, or having a stuffy nose. You like it when I nom on your delicious body, when I play the buzzy bee game with you, when either your Daddy or I are holding you close. You don't like sitting in your car seat, unless we are going somewhere. Immediately.

You look so much like Tai when he was your age. Everyone comments on it. If you understand, you are probably tired of hearing it. But you are clearly your own girl - and I can't wait to see who that girl is. Your Grandma is already imagining - you are more intense and reactive than Tai. She thinks you are going to be a writer, since you try so hard to communicate.

You've been to the desert to meet your uncle and cousin and you've been out on several date nights (making quite a good impression at both 21st Amendment and Greens). You've met your Mimi and Popa.

You are 12 pounds and have the most adorable cheeks and dimple. We are only getting to know each other, but I am already in love.

Love always,
Your Momma

As you can see from the call button at the top of the picture, our home-birth ended up in the hospital. However - it also ended with a (relatively) healthy mom and healthy babygirl, so I'm happy. And I am. Unlike after Tai's birth, I don't have any questions about whether I made the right decisions for either me or the baby. I felt completely supported by my midwife, Tom, my doula, and eventually the doctors and nurses at UCSF.

Long story (very) short - I went into labor at 5 am on December 20th. I tried to sleep for about an hour, then spent another hour just riding the contractions on my own. When Tai woke up at 7, I woke Tom up and told him I was in labor - and suggested he call Mom so she could pick Tai up. Unlike his birth, the contractions felt like waves and I rode them and rested in the breaks.

It was hard, no lie. I worked it for 6 or so hours, then decided that I needed to go to the hospital. I wanted an epidural, and I felt like I wasn't progressing.

We got to UCSF around 12 or so, then waited in triage for 3 and a half hours. (While I didn't see the humor so much right then, it cracks me up that we had to share a room with a woman who was waiting for a scheduled c-section. She was with her family and they were chatting, and every time my contractions had me vocalizing, they got really quiet. Heh. Of course, then they paid me back by eating fried chicken in the room. The smell about killed me.) Once I got to the room (which was huge and gorgeous), it took another two hours until the anesthesiologist was available.

Once the epidural was placed, I was much more chill. Mom visited me for a short time and I chatted while Tom paced and my support people took turns napping. Then I napped too, laboring and sleeping through the night.

Eventually I got a bit of pitocin to get things moving, which I was fine with. It didn't feel like cascading interventions because I took it slow and it always felt like my decision. The only time I felt like one of the doctors was pressuring me to do something, Sue gave her my decision when I wanted to wait, so I didn't even have to deal with a confrontation.

I got to 10cm. I spent 2.5 hours pushing, but babygirl stayed stuck. She was a little oddly positioned, and two doctors tried to manually rotate her. (Funniest comment of my labor - Sue said, "Now when you go to the Castro you can say you've been fisted. By two women!" I totally cracked up, even with a hand all up in my bizness.) Finally, I decided I needed a c-section. Babygirl wasn't budging.

I had a moment of "Tell me I didn't screw this up" and everyone was supportive - reminding me that there was no way to screw it up. I couldn't do it wrong.

Then it was off to the OR again. This c-section was much more painful than the one I had with Tai. When they took her out and I heard her cry, I cried too - I was disappointed that I wasn't going to see her crown, wasn't going to have her right on my chest as I had been visualizing through pregnancy and especially during labor. But they brought her over to me, and I got to see her before she went off to the nursery.

At some point one of the doctors told me that there had been a tear in my bladder. What I didn't realize until the next day is that it was a rather large tear, and my uterus tore as well. I spent the next five hours getting fixed. Fortunately I had a great reconstructive surgeon. And I would much rather have the complications myself than have either of the kids in danger. Poor Tom spent many of those hours alone in the labor and delivery room, keeping babygirl happy without nursing to help. He was a great daddy - he took off his shirt and held her skin to skin, since I couldn't.

Finally I was patched up and they let me hold babygirl. That made everything worth it, of course.

Miriam Serenity was born at 1:49pm on December 21, 2011. She was 8lbs, 1 oz. (I still don't know how long she was, though.)

We all came home on Christmas Eve, and Tai shared his first Christmas with his sister.

It was a rough start - I had a little trouble with my milk coming in (which is no longer a problem. Miriam is now 10lbs and gaining), I had some baby blues which made for a crappy week and a half, and I had a catheter for three weeks which sucked intensely. But now we're five weeks out and everything is so much better. I am catheter free and my energy is back, my mood is up and my milk is plentiful. Tai has adjusted beautifully to being a big brother.

Miriam is a sweet girl who reminds me of Tai so much. While everyone said Tai looked like Tom, people think Miriam looks like me, and like Tai.

I'm enjoying the adventure so far.

Give or take, of course. I cannot believe that I am so close to my due date. This ride is about to get a lot more interesting. Not that I've been bored, ever... But... I am going to be the mama of *2* kidlets! I know, thanks Capt. Obvious, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to be giving birth to Tai again. Yes, Slyko will be a newborn, as he was, but I will also have a preschooler. And she will be a whole other person, with a personality and self of her own. I am excited about this, of course. I can't wait to meet her and watch her grow and become a Someone rather than the Anyone she feels like now. And how will Tai take it? And how will I give him all the love he deserves and her too? (I will say that reading him nighttime stories cuddled up in the little bedroom chair will be much easier without the ginormous belly.). This is going to be even more of an adventure and I am trying to just go with the flow.

Which has been a mix of rapids and more calm waters lately. Mom finally got that my decision is mine, she could never have changed my mind, and while she still doesn't agree (and asked a little wistfully if my doula might make me comfortable enough to birth in the hospital...) she had mostly settled down. She met with Sue at one of my appointments and it went well. She felt more comfortable, Sue didn't get attacked by Lawyer Mom of Doom and so all is right with the world. I am relieved.... The whole issue had been sitting between Mom and I and it was getting hard to just relax with her.

Slyko is doing her thing in there. I'm pretty sure I feel her feet in the top right of my uterus (I am horrible about remembering the proper directional names.). I feel her butt up around my ribs pretty confidently. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a better position for labor than last time. Sue guesses she might be Tai's size right about now (7 lbs, 3oz). Her heartbeat sounds good, and I feel her head pressing down in my pelvis. I am ready!

Really ready because when Sue took my blood pressure at our appointment today, it was a little high, for me. (fortunately still in normal range). And the was some protein in my urine. And my hands have been puffier than they had been. And I'd gained 4lbs in a week. Put it all together and you end up with me doing a 24 hour pee collection and hoping that all this desire for home birth isn't going to end up with pre-eclampsia.

Side note: I called twirlgrrl for venting and said, how concerned should I be? She pointed out that whether or not I get pre-e isn't in my control, so concern wouldn't really change anything. (Ha! Duh, me.). She also gave me more practical advice like - eat cucumber and drink lemon water to help with water retention, and to sit down a few times in my day and just relax and empty my mind - calm that blood pressure. She reminded me that all of the symptoms could be a normal part of pregnancy and I'm doing what I need to to check it out and keep an eye on it. We didnt talk long (she was in the middle of an errand and Tai had a friend over and they were freaking out) but it helped.

Now I'm trying to ignore this cold number 572 of my pregnancy (owww, my throat! *cough cough whine*) and hoping that Slyko will come soon. Like, tomorrow! Why not?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

It may be about time to tell Mom that I'm pretty much done with her input on my birth plan.  Since my last update, she has sent me an 'email of intent' where she said:

( oh family, I can't quit you... )

I hadn't talked to Mom since we got together on Monday and I told her about the HBAC plan.  We were both a little busy, and probably we were both avoiding things a little bit, to let us settle.  Today I called her, because she had a couple of meetings this week and I was wondering how they went.  We met up for lunch.  So we sit down, do a little chit chat, she tells me about one of the meetings and then she says, "So, I bet that wasn't what you wanted to talk about."  Cue blank look, because actually it was.  I told her it was, and asked what she thought I wanted to talk about. She said the birth.  I said I hadn't really planned on it, that I was mostly just wanting to catch up.  She obviously did want to talk about it - and I said that we could if she wanted to.  Needless to say, she is still not happy about my decision.  She said she could barely prepare for her meeting that evening because she was concerned about this.  She did a ton of (internet) research and it all freaked her out.  She wanted to share the reasons she thought HBAC is a bad idea.

( HBAC stuff )

In another unfortunate timing incident, we are supposed to be going away to a church retreat together this weekend.  I'd forgotten that I agreed to it ages ago.  In the meantime, I've rarely gone to the church and I'm feeling more drawn to Judaism than Christianity.  So it's feeling a little awkward to do this.  And now we've got this issue hanging between us and we are going to be rooming together, and I don't really know anyone else who is going to be there.  Fuck.  Not to mention, the pastor who has been leading the church while the usual guy is on sabbatical is going to be riding out with us, so we won't even be able to talk in the car.  On the one hand, that's good - no talking about it!  On the other, that's bad - both of us have a lot of emotion around this.

I'm wondering if it's too late to cancel.  I'd probably have to pay for the retreat (not sure how much it costs, Mom paid) and Tom would be pissed that I'll be wasting money.  I just don't know how we're going to live together at the moment.

So depending on which due date I'm going by (sticking to Dec. 22, which is the hospital midwife's date based on my first ultrasound) I'm hitting week 28 tomorrow. Which means I'm in the third trimester. Holy shit. This pregnancy has flown by. It seems like every time I turn around, I'm in the next trimester.

Slyko (womb-name given to babygirl by Tai) has been kicking up a storm lately, which I absolutely love. It's reassuring to know that she's still doing her thing in there. It makes her feel more real, rather than just an idea. I'm also really showing now. I think some time last week she turned to a different direction because sometime in between Thursday morning and Saturday night I really started to look pregnant. I love that too. I'm one of those women who never feel more comfortable with (and proud of!) my body than when I'm pregnant (and nursing). I don't mind that I weigh more than I'm "supposed" to, I don't mind that I'm not traditionally beautiful. My body feels strong and capable, it is growing and feeding a baby!

Needless to say, the second trimester continued to be good to me. I've had a little more back ache (on one side), and a little more squashed feeling belly when I eat, but nothing much to complain about. My mood has been great and so has my energy.

( HBAC stuff )

Curses!
Originally uploaded by KatletCurse you, twirlgrrl - I have a new weakness. This is one of the tastiest ice creams I have tasted in a while. It's a light lemon flavor (none of that overpowering Lysol-tasting stuff) with pieces of vanilla sandwich cookie mixed in. They carry it at my neighborhood grocery. The one that is only two and a half blocks away. This is going to be dangerous for my waist-line.

Of course, my waist-line is fairly non-existent at the moment. And I'm pretending that every bite of deliciousness goes straight to baby-girl. After all, she's supposed to be adding on some baby fat. I'm just giving her help, right? I don't know what it is about this pregnancy, but I have been craving sweets like a fiend. When I was pregnant with Tai I didn't want desert at all. (Well, almost not at all.) Sadly, this time is different. Once I was out of the first trimester it was 'what has sugar? Chocolate? Where are the brownies, ice cream, donuts and/or cookies?' *nom nom nom*

As soon as I finish this, I am not buying any more crap. Otherwise I'm going to gain a billion and a half pounds during this pregnancy. (Though when I went to the doctor a week and a half ago, I hadn't gained any weight in the 6 weeks between appointments. So that's good, right?)

Have I mentioned lately that I love the second trimester? I've been feeling pretty great. The tiredness has backed waaaay off. The queasiness is gone. I have energy and motivation. I've been feeling baby-girl move since right around 19 weeks. I don't remember whether this was true with Tai, but she's got a couple of distinct active times - morning and evening. There's other movements other times, but these are the most consistent and most active. I'm curious to see whether this lasts through the rest of the pregnancy.

Her heart-beat was 140-ish last time it was checked. And I'm pretty sure she's feet down, because she keeps kicking me in the bladder. I'm not worried about her position because it's so early (like, 24 weeks or so) - but I am curious. I wish I could see inside all the time!

Have I mentioned how much energy I have? I've been de-cluttering and straightening and cleaning like crazy the last few days. I want to stir up the energy in the house, get rid of all of our crap that doesn't fit anymore and fill the house with beautiful things.

I've been writing again, too. I actually got a new idea for the novel while talking with my therapist today. (Her suggestion, who knew??) It's good because I have pages due to my workshop folks tomorrow evening, and I need to get something out. I'm hoping to clear up some concerns from my last workshop.

I also went shopping today - stopped by Michael's (craft store) just to pick up a couple of things for scrapbooking, and ended up finding a metric buttload of Halloween supplies. I've been throwing a Halloween party for the last few years, and every year I get more decorations for the party. I'm so excited for Halloween, it's one of my favorite holidays. Too bad it's too early to decorate now...

So i updated my Dreamwidth journal with ultrasound info.  Is that horrible?  

Look: http://aubreym.dreamwidth.org/ For the update.