aubreym

Random thought of the day:  I'm sitting on the couch watching House, when 13 gets a call from a clinic where she applied for a job.  The woman on the call says "we loved meeting you and, well, the job's yours".   Suddenly I found myself wishing that I was the one getting that call - that I was getting a 'real job' outside the house.  I'm not sure what that's about, maybe wishing for the mundaniaty of a day job.  Maybe wishing for someone in a position of authority to tell me that I'm someone who knows what they're doing, who would do a good job.  Or maybe I'm wishing for a job where my boss doesn't have a screaming tantrum on the street that is so loud and intense that neighbors come out to make sure no one is being kidnapped. 

Tai had a tough day - getting dressed was tantrum worthy, even with grandma visiting.  Going potty before bed was tantrum worthy.  Going the wrong direction on the sidewalk - right, tantrum worthy.  I'm not sure whether he was teething, hitting his terrible twos early, or still getting over the most recent illness, but wow.  I'm tired.  (Possibly because I'm still getting over whatever virus it was that we had.)

Second random thought of the day: I was in the car with mom and I asked her when she stopped being surprised at being The Mother - or if she'd ever felt that way.  Yesterday we were hanging out together after she'd been in the desert for a week, and at one point Tai wanted to be carried.  Mom offered to carry him, but he chose to have me carry him.  She said, "Oh, you want Mommy."  For a minute I found myself surprised both that he chose *me*, and also that I am The Mommy, with all that entails (both the responsibility and the bonuses).  I can't believe he's almost two and I still catch myself looking over my shoulder for the Real Mommy to come home and take Tai from Babysitter Me.  Not very often, and not with real desire for it to happen.  

It was funny, Mom said she didn't remember whether she ever felt that or not.  She couldn't tease out whether that was because she had a different relationship with her mother than the relationship we have, or whether it's a facet of our relationship or what.  Interesting question, though.

Also - we stopped at Target on the way home from Babys R Us (I had to pick up a pump part for my breast pump) and with all of the holiday decorations up, I am suddenly looking forward to the winter festivities.  I can't wait to make this time just as magical for Tai as Halloween was.  It's only going to be more fun as he gets older.  

Earlier this evening, a woman I follow on Twitter wrote:

BeckySays - Grumpy is such a useful word. It covers a lot of negative ground, and sort of warns people to approach gently.

I responded:

Aubreym  - @BeckySays - you know, I think people should always approach others gently. We don't do that enough.

I rarely write something on twitter that feels... thoughtful?  Meaningful?  I'm usually just tossing off a status update, a 'this is what's going on in my life in 140 characters or less' statement.  But there was something about Becky's comment that really touched me.  Maybe because I've been grumpy so often.  Or maybe because I recently braved both Union Square and Stonestown Mall lately.  (I am not a shopping mall fan, especially when there are crowds.)  

I think things would be so much smoother if we all approached each other gently.  There is not enough gentleness in the world.  I think this is something I'm going to work on.  

In less high-falutin' tweets: 

Aubreym is watching 'The Big Lebowski' with Tom and Tai. Tom points out there are many f-bombs in. Tai replies "F-bomb". Also - we r good 'rents.

Also: The Dude minds.  The rug tied the room together.   (We called Tai 'the Dude' for ages.  Especially when we couldn't come up with a name in the first days after he was born.)

 Dear Tai,

Going back and reading a couple of your letters, I discovered that you were sick just two months ago.  Poor kidlet, you're sick again.  Everyone tells me that this will give you a good immune system, but it's just so sad to see you feeling not yourself.  I miss your smile!  You woke up late last night with a fever and you spent the day on the couch with Daddy.  You slept a lot, barely ate, barely played.  We're hoping you don't have the Hamthrax.  It's possible you are having a reaction from the vaccines you had over the week.

We went to meet a new doctor this week - Dr. Breder.  Even though we love Dr. Treece, I was looking for a practice that didn't feel quite so rushed.  So we were behind on your Well Baby visits and on your vaccines.  You're growing like a Magic Beanstalk!  You are 35 3/4 inches tall - almost three whole feet.  You weigh 34 pounds and 12 oz.  Your head is 20 1/4 inches.  You're in the 97th percentile for weight and head size and the 95th for height.  You're going to take after your Daddy and be tall.  I think you liked the new doctor, though she wasn't as funny as Dr. Treece.

You're almost two years old.  You're getting to be such a real person, an individual.  Your Grandma says she really likes the video of you dancing at the Bernal Fiesta on the Hill this year, because the way you move, the way you hold your hands shows some of who you are becoming.  It's not me, or Tom - it's you.  I am enjoying getting to see more of that.  You are a social animal - you party late into the night, you love to hang out with other kids.  When we were at the aquarium last week Matteus (one of the other kids from the Mom's Group) was running and tripped and fell.  You were chasing him, and when he fell, you copied him.  Erika and I cracked up, and from that time on you set out to impress us by your falling skills.  You looked like a little Break Dancer.  Later, you held Matteus's hand as you walked through the museum.  You love to play with all of the kids in the Mom's Group, but Dottie is still your favorite.  When you see her on the street you call out to her "Dottie!"  and then you copy each other, and flirt and laugh.

I'm looking to find a good preschool for you, because you need more stimulation and socialization than I can give you with visits to the playground and our every-couple-of-weeks Mom's Group.  We've gone to two, so far.  One tour, one open house.  Both times you were quite content to explore the classrooms and play with their toys.  You watched the other kids, and joined them.  While you did include me in your play a few times, I think you're going to enjoy the experience.  I'm looking forward to watching you make new friends, learn new things, and join more of the world on your own.

You're talking more and more.  When I asked Grandma to tell her what Peter did when he visited our house, you said, "Peter play cars."  You love your matchbox cars, and 'play cars, Mama.  Play cars, Daddy' is a frequent refrain around the house.  You are learning to count and can get most of the way to 10 by yourself.  When I sing, you often join in on some of the words.  Your favorites are "Twinkle, twinkle" and "Baa Baa Black Sheep".  You also love when I sing, "I love you, a bushel and a peck", especially when I add your name to the end of the song.  That cracks you up.  Just lately you've taken to gasping in surprise when you see something interesting, like the moon or an airplane.  You like Grandma's birdies almost more than her dogs, and you love to feed Lucky and Pickle seeds.

Even on the tough days, I'm loving this adventure we're on together.  You are my boy and I am lucky to be your Mommy.

Love,
Mommy

Tai had the most fabulous Halloween - which is good, considering how much he was looking forward to it.  He loved the decorations, the stories, the pumpkins.  Yesterday I threw a modest Halloween party for friends, Tom's coworkers and the women from my neighborhood mom's group.  It went really well - all of the kids played together, and no one got bitten.  (In fact, no one got wounded at all.  There were a couple of minor mishaps around sharing toys, but that's to be expected.)  Not only did the kids have a good time, but the adults chatted together too.  It's funny - even though I wasn't doing a lot of work during the party, it was hard to get to talk to anyone for very long!  It did feel good to have everyone having fun.  Tai seemed to love it too, even though he had to share his toys.  Fortunately Dottie came on the early side, so I got to watch her and Tai make flirty eyes at each other.

The other kids were adorable, too.  I should have taken pictures!  We had: a knight, a garbage man, a dutch girl, Nicholas from "I am a Bunny", an astronaut, a vampire (of the Dracula, not Twilight, variety), a punk rocker (who happened to be one of the quietest kids in the group), a dog, Princess Jasmine, a panda, a devil and a giraffe.  

After the party, we headed down to Cortland and did plenty of trick or treating.  Tai said 'trick or treat' to everyone, and even remembered to say thank you, with prompting.  I think it helped that he had Blue by his side for most of the adventure, so he got to see how it's done by the big boys.  He totally idolizes Blue.  I can't wait to see how they grow up together.

When we got home, he handed out candy - which he got a kick out of, though he was scared by some kids in masks.  Then he and Tom went next door and crashed our neighbor's party.  It was 9pm, but Tai joined the other kids there, who were jumping off the couch into a big mosh pit of pillows. 

Even today he was still in a good mood.  We went to the playground with Blue and Lisa, then they came over for a little hang out/ Guitar Hero time.  We're going to have to play that in a group more often.  Tonight we went to dinner with Mom and Mcgee.  The restaurant was decorated for Halloween, still.  At one point, Tai was getting restless - he was tired and we were waiting for the check.  I suggested he count the spiders on the spider web - and he counted to ten, all by himself.  I will admit to being pretty proud.

I'm doing my best to indoctrinate Tai into the festivities that are Halloween.  We started watching 'It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown".  We decorated the house with pumpkins, ghosts, witches and bats in the beginning of the month.  We've gone to pumpkin patches, we've checked out decorated houses, we baked pumpkin pie with real pumpkin.  We picked out a costume for him (maybe I'll sew one next year.  When I can actually use a sewing machine for more than hemming a pair of pants).  We're planning a party.

Once in a while he's a little taken aback by something he sees.  Sometimes skeletons freak him out - which I can relate to.  I'm not easily scared by Halloween stuff, but something about skeletons, ones that look realistic, make my skin crawl.  I got a pair of long skeleton earrings when I was a kid - they were plastic, but looked real.  I couldn't wear them.  When mom would get them out for the season, I'd stick them in the back of a drawer and try not to imagine them dancing out of the drawer, bones rattling.  *shudder*  I have tried not to pass the heebie jeebies on to him, but maybe I did, who knows.  He also got freaked out when Steve, on Blue's Clues, dressed up with a green alien hat with tentacles on his fingers.  Personally, I have nothing against tentacles, so that's not my fault.

On the other hand, he *loves* pumpkins, bats, cats, witches, ghosts.  When he sees a ghost, he says, 'boo!'  When he says witch, it sounds more like 'bitch'.  Hee!  Every time he sees a pumpkin he says, 'punkin!  Halweeeen!'

I'm excited for the first holiday that he can really look forward to, and experience.  We'll see what he thinks of everyone in costume.  And trick or treating!

Tai and I spend at least part of every day outside.  Tai loves to run around and burn off energy, and it's good for me to get fresh air too.  In fact, I should probably run around as well - but that's another story.  This evening we stopped at the Noe Valley Rec center playground, even though it was getting dark.  I figured we could play for a bit and wait for Tom's shuttle and go home together.  Tai'd napped late so he wasn't exhausted.  We were the only ones at the playground when we arrived.  There were some teenaged boys playing basketball on the courts and we could hear kids playing a game inside the gym.  

Tai spent at least twenty minutes running around, kicking his ball both to me and just for himself.  This is after he'd run several blocks from the Noe Library to Starbucks.  (No, I didn't give him any coffee.  He clearly didn't need it.)  Watching him play made me smile.  He had such a good time just running.  Then, before Tom arrived, the boys who were playing inside the gym came running out. The game was evidently over.  They were shouting 'we won, we won!' and exalting.  (Though there was one boy who was lamenting a loss, and several of the winners went over to comfort him.  I thought that was particularly sweet, as they were probably 10 or so.  Old enough to be tough, but clearly still caring about each other.)  These older boys had the same joy of motion that Tai did.  A comfort with their bodies.

I'm sure there are girls who are comfortable in their bodies as well.  I haven't been one of them, at least not since I was probably 5 or 6.  And I haven't been friends with any of them (maybe because I didn't play sports?  I'm not sure.)  I'm also sure there are boys who are not comfortable with or in their bodies, though I have known only one or maybe two. I just know that I have a barely civil relationship with my body.  When I'm not actively sick, or in pain, I mostly ignore that I have a body.  Once in a while, though, I find pride in my body.  When I was pregnant, I felt powerful.  Breastfeeding feels powerful too, though in a different way.  But these times are rare.  Even so, I aim to do everything I can so Tai can hold on to this joy he has in his physicality.  I want him to know that even if he's not 'perfectly' built for whatever reason, he can still love this flesh that moves him from place to place.  That lets him dance.

~ * ~

In other, less high-falutin' news, I'm still working on the anxiety.  This weekend got me into a bit of a spin.  I'm putting a call in to my psychiatrist to see if the meds need tweaking.

Instead of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), I think I'm going to do WriSoMiFu (Write Something, you Miserable Fuck) on LJ.  It would be better than nothing.  I haven't finished a NaNoWriMo project yet, and I couldn't keep working on my novel for it this year.  So, instead of losing a month of work on my novel (hahaha) I am going to try something new.  Plus, this community sounds like a laugh.

So Tom, Tai and I went to a pre-wedding fest on Ocean beach on Thursday evening.  I consumed much wine.  Then there was forgetting, then there was nausea, then there was a long day of hangover.  Sadly, I missed most of the wedding yesterday because I was feeling too ill to stay.  I felt mostly better this morning, but I'm still not back to myself.  Which leads me to believe that this might be more than a simple hangover.

( Read more... )

It was a long day with Tai.  Nothing in particular, just toddler-ness and a tired momma.  Tom had a tough day too - big presentation at work.  He got beer after work, then came home.  Since we were out late at the preschool fair (damn, was that crowded and *insane*.  There were parents there with their infants!  And I thought I was starting too early...) Tai was still awake and Tom helped put him to bed.

I was feeling tired and grumpy and jealous that Tom went out for beer.  Tom came down and after spending some time on his iPhone, asked what was up with me.  I said I was feeling tired and grumpy.  He asked why.  I talked about my day.  He said:

"Well, it's your full time job now, right?"  I said it was more than full time and he asked how.  I bit my tongue and tried to explain.  The fact that I can't use the bathroom by myself.  That I'm on duty all night.  He argued with me, and blamed me for wanting to still breastfeed and night, and cosleep.  Yeah, this would be the time to discuss changing that.

Then he asked how a daycare teacher did it.  Uh - they aren't the moms of their kids.  They have the evenings and weekends off.

He tried to argue that with me too, and I cut it off.  I figured it wasn't going anywhere productive.  Which is good because he pretty much passed out on the couch about five minutes later. 

I just wish he'd try to understand where I'm coming from.  I'm not asking anything of him (other than maybe a break - like a few hours of preschool or nannyshare - which we've already got under negotiation.)  Why does everything have to be an argument?

I guess I'm worried that he's right, that other people can do this easily and I'm just whiny and lazy.  Not a way I want to see myself.

So, instead of thoughts - video. I still <3 Pearl Jam. (Durh.) These are two of my favorite songs from their new album. Tom bought me the album, because he's just that sweet.

This song reminds me of 'Given to Fly.'  There's hope, a rising.  It makes my heart lift.

This is my favorite, though.  I just love the depth of Eddie's voice.  I could curl up, close my eyes and listen to this forever.

I've been seriously thinking about having another baby.  I've thought about it on and off since just a few weeks after I had Tai, but usually I've felt like it's hormonal baby-fever.  In the last couple of weeks I've found out that an old friend from high school is pregnant with her first, and a college friend just had her second baby.  Two of the moms in my neighborhood Mom's Group have had their second children already, and another is almost due.  My neighbor is pregnant.  Not that I need to do what everyone else is, but it's put pregnancy in my head.

Then I was hanging out at Mom's earlier this week and she got a call from Aunt Chris.  She'd just been fired and she'd called Mom for commiseration and advice.  I started thinking about how cool it was that they had each other to go to, now that Grandma and Grandpa are dead.  I know that even if Quin and I don't talk for a while, if anything happens - whether good or bad - we can call each other.  As I grew up, I knew that he and I were a team.  We'd be fighting like crazy (he's pulled out a fistful of my hair and bit a hole in my Christmas dress and other fun things.  I never did such things myself, of course.) and if someone started picking on him, I'd defend him in an instant and he'd do the same for me.  Even now I know he's on my side.  I know that not everyone has a relationship like that with their sibling, but I hope that I can give that to Tai.  

Having another child would be growing the family, not taking something away from him.  At least that's what I think in my more relaxed moments.

I haven't started taking Parlodel again - mostly because I'm concerned about how it's going to change the nursing relationship with Tai.  (I had to use it to get pregnant before because I have a prolactinoma that was keeping me from ovulating.)  Since Parlodel blocks prolactin, it often dries up women's milk.  I know of at least one woman who had an established breastfeeding relationship and started Parlodel at a low dose and was able to keep nursing, but that's internet research.  Not exactly perfectly trustworthy.

So I'm worried about how having another kid will take me away from Tai.  I won't be able to devote most of my time and energy to him.  I know he's not going to need that for very much longer, and I know I didn't suffer from having a sibling... I guess I'm still divided.  But I feel like it's going to be one of those times where I'm divided right up until I take the plunge.  I'm dipping my foot in the water, and holding my breath.  We'll see what comes next.

Dear Tai,

I can't believe you are almost two years old.  This time is flying faster than I ever could have imagined.  You're so tall, just two inches short of three feet tall.  You dance and run down hills and jump and go up and down stairs.  You kick and throw balls.  You talk and sing.  You are a person already, and I can still remember when it took all of your concentration to reach out and grab a spoon from the table in front of you. Now you're using a spoon to eat lentil soup and spaghetti squash casserole (though you still have trouble getting all of the food in your mouth and not on your shirt.) You charm everyone with your smile and your flirting.

I can't even keep up with all of the words you know.  You call Grandma 'Bah', which you came up with all by yourself.  You call her dog Lasa 'las' and Little Dog is 'LD'.  Luna is 'loons'.  Cocoa is 'doh-doh'.  It cracks you up endlessly to say 'No, loons!'  'Quiet, dogs!' and 'No paw, doh-doh!' You call Dottie and Peter and Liam by name (I love the way you say 'eee-um' for Liam).

You have recently decided that showering is one of the most fun things ever.  Neither daddy nor I can shower alone in the morning anymore.  You have to come with us and you're willing to stay in the shower through both of our showers and even longer.  You'd probably stay in there all morning if we let you.

Your favorite song is "Boom boom Pow" by the Blackeyed Peas and you ask for it almost every day.  When we first started listening to it, you asked for it almost every hour.  I'm pretty sure I've heard it a hundred times now.  You've got a pretty eclectic taste in music - when we were walking down Bennington last week we heard someone listening to classical music at top volume and you danced to that too.  When we saw Breakfast with Enzo (sort of rag-time, bluegrass kids music) you danced and clapped and bopped to the beat.

Everything small is 'baby'.  A little pumpkin is a baby pumpkin.  A little stick is a baby stick.  Bigger ones are either Mommy or Daddy.

Your favorite things to do include: going to the playground, going to the dog park with Grandma and her dogs, playing with your bubble blower, drawing with markers, drawing outside with chalk, and building robots with Daddy.

Halloween is coming and you're looking forward to it.  You love to say 'pupkin' and you know that ghosts say 'boo'.  You are a little nervous about some things - like skeletons (which I think you get from Mommy, though I'm trying not to act nervous around you).  You like witches and bats.  I can't wait to dress you up and take you trick-or-treating.  The holidays are going to be especially fun this year - you'll be able to participate and remember and understand.

I can't wait to see it through your eyes.

Love,
Mommy

It was a rough day for Mommy and Tai.  We woke up and had our early morning routine.  Daddy got ready and went off to work, though he was still feeling under the weather.  Mommy and Tai went downstairs for breakfast.  It got to be about 9:45 or so and Mommy was just about to get Tai dressed.  He decided he wanted to 'daw' (draw) so she told him to find his paper (while she checked her email).  He only took a few steps when he tripped and fell.  He cried, and Mommy picked him up saying, "Oh, you're fine".

That's when she noticed the blood.







( Bloody pic below )

I'm not sure what it is - maybe it's the weather - but I have been in a most foul mood this last week.  I'm starting to wonder whether I might be depressed.  I've stopped writing, mostly.  (Even for my class.  I missed one week of writing and the week before that I only wrote 5 new pages, double spaced.)  I've found myself hiding out a bit more than usual.  Not avoiding people, in particular, but not seeking anyone out, either.  Part of that is because Tai was sick for half of last week, then Tom was sick the other half - so I'm still worried about passing on the flu.  (Possibly swine flu, but we aren't sure because neither of them was sick enough to warrant testing.)  I'm irritable with just about everyone, especially Tom.  

I'm having a hard time deciding how much of my mood is situational (not enough solid sleep nights, not feeling supported by Tom pretty much regularly, not getting many breaks in toddler care, etc) and how much is possibly a recurrence of depression.  I've started talking about it with Wendy, but I also need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist.  I might need a med tweak.

I'm just not finding as much pleasure in things as I had been.  I don't feel light.  I've been more anxious.  Angry randomly.  And so lonely.  It's silly - I have friends, people I could get together with if I'd just pick up the phone... but I mostly don't.  There are things I want to do, I just can't seem to get up the initiative to do them.  I want to finish the scrapbook of Tai's first year.  I want to start doing more with my photographs.  I want to start sewing for Tai (and maybe for other kidlets).  But I find myself in front of the TV and the laptop and books night after night. I'm diving into books, and hiding out from the rest of the world.

Fortunately I haven't been taking it out on Tai - at least not much.  I am a bit shorter of temper, less willing to put up with the whining and the tantrums which have been plentiful since he was sick.  But some of my best times and best moods are with him.  We were sitting on the porch one evening recently and he was playing with a new bubble gun Tom's mom bought him.  We were watching the bubbles float across the street and up into the sky.  It was simple, but fun.  And there have been a couple of nights that I'm rocking and nursing him to sleep, or for naps, where I finally feel myself taking deep, full breaths and I am so deeply content.

I actually went to church today - an Episcopal church (I was raised *very* slightly Episcopal).  It was different than any church I'd been to before.  It felt like a family sitting together, more than anything.  I was awkward, as usual in a new setting, but I think I'm going to go back.  One of these days I'm going to find my spiritual home - I think that will help.

Dear Tai,

I wish I were better when you are sick.  I take good care of you, I hold you and cuddle you.  I give you medicine if you need it, juice and water and what food you want.  I nurse you if it doesn't make you gag and you want it.  But I can't make you feel better and I wish with all of my heart that I could.  It hurts to see you feeling so poorly.  Your smile and exuberance are totally gone.  You just want to lay on the couch with me or Daddy and watch TV.  When you're healthy you don't want to sit still for even a whole episode of Sesame Street. 

Your Mimi and Popa and your Uncle Andrew visited you this past weekend.  Even though Andrew was sick, you had such a good time with him.  Unlike your Daddy and me, he loves sports and you both spent some good time watching 'ut-baw' (or foot-ball).  He couldn't even go to the bathroom without you saying 'An-doo, An-doo.'  Your Mimi loved to draw with you, and your Popa had the best time going down the slide with you.  You impressed them with your words and your running and your love of eating (especially olives).  None of them could believe how much you've grown up, just since June.  They had to search out a real 'ba-ket-baw' (basketball) for you, and you love it.  

I can't believe how much you've grown myself.  You are saying two and three word 'sentences'.  You talk about 'boo eyes' and 'boo shoes' and you can ask for juice by name.  You ask to use the drinking fountain by making slurp, slurp sounds.  You know several colors pretty well, and you can almost say 'orange'.  You love riding in the truck with Daddy, and when you both took a trip to Ikea you didn't stop saying 'tuck' until you hit Oakland.  You like to echo the last couple of words of what we're saying, and it's inspired me to start cleaning up my language.  

You have been growing impatient with Story time, but you still love to sing along and dance.  You are starting to play with other kids, like Talya and Dottie.  You have a great time running and laughing with Dottie.  Balls are still your favorite - throwing, kicking, trying to catch.  If anyone, anywhere has a ball, you want to participate.  You want to read stories every night and during potty time.  Your favorite books are about Wibbly Pig and Winnie the Pooh, though you still love your dog books.  And 'Runaway Bunny' has been a very popular potty pick as well. 

Sometimes I wish I could be a better mom - when I'm overly anxious, or short-tempered, or irritable.  I know no one is perfect, but I've been more off than usual lately and I wish that you didn't have to be a part of that.  I'm going to try to get things back to a more stable place, but I hope you'll forgive me for the mistakes I make.

I do love you.  Always.  Don't forget that.

~ Your Mommy

I love the way Tai mimics sirens. He's almost sound asleep, eyes closed, laying down... I hear sirens in the distance. Tai says, "woooooo" in a high pitch-then he's out.

I used to be afraid of sirens when I was little. Not Tai.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Because most of my words have been going novel-ward for a change, and also because I'm tired... I'm going to do a brief Tai-update in photo format.  I'd update about myself in the same way, but I don't have that many pictures of me (thank god).

( Read more... )

Apparently I didn't avoid Tai's cold after all.  I'm sore-throat, mucus girl this evening.  And I'm tired - though that could be from the rough sleep night last night.  I need to remember to give Tai tylenol before bed since he's still working on his bottom molars.  So, instead of working on my novel pages that are due tomorrow, I'm posting the bits and pieces I've been thinking about for the past few days.

Tai has started saying two words together once in a while.  The other day Tom slept in the guest room (he'd been out drinking and if he comes home late and beer-full he tends to wake me up with insane levels of snoring).  When Tai woke up he wondered where Tom was.  I said we should go find him and called 'Where are you?'  After a minute, Tai echoed me - 'Are you?  Are you?'  Complete with sing-song tone and shrug.  I thought he just copied me, but today he was looking for me and he said, "Mama?  Are you?"  And then I died of the kyute.

He's singing more, and the other day when he started to play with his Little People farm he sang 'e-i-e-i-o' (of Old MacDonald) all of his own volition.

We've been going to Story Time at Red Hill books pretty regularly.  It helps to push his one nap to around midafternoon so neither of us loses our mind before Tom gets home.  And it's fun for him to hang out with other kids and sing songs.  It's hard though - he's so exuberant.  He likes to go right up to the person who is doing the story time and touch their legs or just be close.  He tends to vocalize his excitement and to race back to me, sometimes barreling right through other kids.  On the one hand, I want to teach him appropriate behavior (whatever that is) but I don't want to stifle his enthusiasm or make him feel like he can't be himself.  I want him to have fun, to express his enjoyment.  It is a story hour for kids his age, and usually the people who are leading seem to enjoy his pleasure.  I've spent so much of my life worrying about doing the right thing, acting the right way, fitting in... I don't want him to be stuck with all of that fear.  But I also don't want people to dislike being around him.  I know this push/pull is only going to get more obvious as he gets older and goes to preschool.   

I've also been reading a book about being fat in America, and one of the short essays is about the author who was told she was fat ever since she was three and four.  It stuck with her, the memory of being considered fat and therefore inferior, even from such a young age.  I am not saying Tai is fat - I don't believe he is.  But people often comment about how big he is.  Sure, he's sturdy.  I never worry about him getting run over when he's in a crowd of toddlers.  I do, however, want to avoid too much body commentary, even in ways that seem harmless now.  For example - so many people say 'he's so big!  He's going to be a football player!'  This sounds good enough - but what if he grows up to be average, or smaller than average?  Will he feel like he's not as good because he doesn't have that build?

I want to be aware as I bring Tai up.  I want to help him to feel comfortable in his skin.  It's not a feeling that's easy to come by in our culture.  

I've been feeling unsettled lately.  Like I'm in the midst of a transition and unable to land on either side of things.  I'm not sure why, maybe because I am still trying to figure out who the heck I am other than Tai's Momma (and I'm still discovering exactly what that means).  Maybe because I don't have a job other than being homemaker and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Maybe because I haven't been writing that much lately.  Maybe because I've been feeling the need for more friendship in my life.  More community too - for instance, I'd like to find a spiritual community. Probably it's a mix of all of this stuff and other stuff too.

I am taking steps to work on this, though.  I've signed up for a 'finishing your novel' course.  I'll be meeting with my classmates in person once a month, then in between I'll share progress with the teacher and one other classmate online.  The class will last for six months and I'm hoping that I make some decent progress with more structure in my writing life.  I'm also hoping that I do better about making writer-friends this time.

I've been trying to do better about getting together with women from my Mom's Group.  I'm hosting a second meeting tomorrow, hoping that with our toddlers confined to the house, we'll actually be able to talk rather than just race after the kidlets.  I'm trying to figure out how to invite one or two over with their husbands some evening, too.  It would be good for Tom and I to have couple-with-kids friends.  Especially since they would have kids Tai's age.

I'm reading a lot of books about Buddhism lately.  Meditation would probably do me some good, especially working with the transitory nature of life.  I think I can be a better Momma when I get more deeply in touch with this.  In fact, I bet it would be good for me, as well, since my anxiety tends to make me think that I'm going to be stuck in a shitty position forever.  That's not so much a help community-wise, though I'm considering going to the Zen Center here.  

I feel like I've been spending so much of my life waiting, waiting to know what the right thing to do is... waiting for someone to give me permission.  I don't want to waste my life waiting.  I want to live.  I just have to figure out what that means.
 

  Dear Tai,

I can't believe you are almost a year and a half old.  As I was saying to your Grandma earlier today - sometimes it feels like you've been a toddler for a long time. I can barely remember when you were an infant!  Even when you're challenging, you are also so much fun and so amazing.  You are growing up so quickly.

Lately you've been loving to sing - songs of your own (though I usually don't understand your words), and also songs that you learn from me and your Grandma.  You enjoy the Eensy Weensy Spider.  You can do most of the signs that go with the words and your favorite part is "washed the spider out".  It almost always makes you grin.  Today, for the first time, you asked me for "If you're happy and you know it" out of the blue.  You clapped and then did the 'hooray!" part and when I guessed what you wanted, you were so pleased.  

We're working together on the communication front.  You're learning more and more words, and I'm pretty good at guessing what you mean other times.  You say 'on' and 'off', 'up' and 'down', 'knee', 'eat', 'juice', 'puffs', 'moo'.  You still point, usually emphatically.  You know what you want and how you want it.  You know what a lot of animals say - dogs, cats, cows, horses, pigs (you do the snorting sound), sheep, ducks, lizards (sticking out tongue), bunnies (wrinkle nose), fish (open mouth), owls (hoo hoo).  You enjoy sounds - you mimic sirens and the ring that Grandma's livingroom clock makes.

You had your first kiss just the other day.  On Friday we went down to Red HIll books to check out a story hour and happened to meet up with Mara and her daughter Dottie, from our Mom's Group.  After the story hour, Mara and I got coffee while you and Dottie raced around Progressive Grounds.  At one point Mara said, "Dottie, do you want to give Tai a kiss?"  She didn't seem to, but you headed right over and stood in front of her.  When it was clear she wasn't going to make the first move, you leaned forward and then Dottie did kiss you.  It was adorable - if only I had my camera out!  You played with her for quite a while.  I'm hoping that you two become good friends.

You are really moving now.  You run, you walk forwards and backwards, you can get a bit of air when you jump, you can really dance.

We traveled back East and to Michigan to visit family again this month.  We celebrated your Daddy's cousin's, Madison, coming of age.  You stayed up late and danced and played with my bangles and were the life of the party.  You had a fabulous time playing basketball with your uncles, Kenny, Andrew and Patrick.  You played with your Grandpa Harmon's cane and explored his garden.  You played piano with your cousin David and the guitar with Grandpa Harmon.  You even enjoyed the Smithsonian museums we went through.  You are becoming quite an adept traveller.

Daddy went to China over the past week - and for the first time you really seemed to notice he was gone.  Or at least you were better able to communicate it.  You often said, "Dada?"  And when we were going to bed at night, you'd look over at his spot and ask about him again.  When he got home on Sunday, we all lay down in bed together and you had the biggest grin in the world.  You kept saying, "Mama Dada, mama dada" and every so often while you were nursing, you'd glance over at him and smile.  

It is so good to be a family.  I am blessed.

Love always and forever,
Momma

Here is Tai, all dressed up for the 4th of July, playing the drums with a guy we met on Hippie Hill in Golden Gate park.  He was drawn by all of the drumming, wanting to dance and participate.  It took him a few minutes to warm up to the guy with the drums enough so that he actually played - but then he would have spent the rest of the day here.  

He's been having a tough time the last couple of days.  His bottom molars are coming very very slowly and I think it's hurting him.  He's drooling like crazy, chewing on his fingers, nursing a lot more than he had been, and throwing a temper tantrum at the drop of a hat.   It's not the end of the world, though, because of two mitigating factors.  1. He's pretty easily distracted after a bit, and 2. He's been having tantrums about funny stuff.

Last night I was doing some cleaning down in the basement and Tom was hanging out with Tai.  Suddenly I heard Tai start to freak out.  After a bit I went up to see what was going on.  Tom was in the kitchen cooking, and Tai was in his high-chair, crying.   Apparently Tai went into the kitchen and pointed at the fridge.  Tom asked what he wanted and Tai said something that sounded like 'broccoli'.  He hasn't said anything that complicated before, so Tom tried to figure out what he meant.  After offering several things (juice, cheese, fruit) Tom finally opened up the vegetable drawer (where Tai was pointing) and held up the broccoli.  That's what Tai wanted.  Tai cried for the ten or so minutes it took to cook the broccoli, then happily munched some down.  Must have broccoli now, Dad.

Today Tai and I went to pick up some cereal for me at the Good Life grocery store.  While I picked up some bananas, Tai found the strawberries. He clearly expressed our need for a container of berries.  (He was right.)  He could barely wait until I put them up on the cash register belt to have one.  The cashier grinned at us and said that he had the best hissy fit she'd ever seen - fruit fits.  He and I both ate a berry on the walk home and they were so sweet.